Living, Making it.

I walked down the stairs, mentally restacking the pantry before our company arrived when my wife called out to me, “I want you to stay home with me”.

“What?,” I said? We’d had this discussion before.

“I want you to quit your job…you don’t like it and it makes you cranky every day. I mean we can live on my retirement. I can put you on my health insurance. It’d be tight but we can do it. I want you home with me and I know you’d rather be home.”

Of course she was right. I didn’t like my job and I would be happier at home. But we’d be a hell of a lot poorer. And who QUITS a job when the unemployment rate is soaring? I was not a “professional” (doctor, lawyer, programmer, etc.) who could work from home. I was an administrator. Bored, overworked and 9 years away from hitting the perfect age for my pension plan. And administrators don’t work from home. Administrators work at the jobsite so the other classifications (the well paid professionals) can work from home.

Still I miss her since she’s retired. We lead very separate lives now. But I can’t depend on her financially, that’s not right and I haven’t the foggiest idea how to support myself to the tune of my currently feeble salary by freelancing.

So this is what 46 is about. 46 is like 26 is like 36 except there are fewer choices and less time to save for retirement. If your risks didn’t pan out in the previous 2 decades, there’s even less of a chance of it working now unless you are independently wealthy which I’m not or really determined. Which I haven't been but I'm shooting for.

Of course from the standpoint of numerology, I’m ripe for jumping off the rat-race train. I’m a wisker’s length from leaping headlong into a questionable writing or life coaching or something that brings the things I love to the forefront. But there’s a price to be paid for such freedom and I’m mindful of paying the bill.