Whoa Nellie

If there were ever a time to write my little heart out it's right now.  I am in a foul, foul mood.  I feel trapped, sapped and tapped.  I rationally realize this state  is generated by hormones brutishly coursing through my viscera and grey matter; emotionally I've been combative in almost each meaningful interaction I've had this morning.  I can't seem to contain my anger and since last night at dinner, I haven't been able to stop it from splashing unceremoniously into the laps of almost everyone I encounter. As a former young adult who prided herself on her self possessed emotional control, I am incredibly uncomfortable admitting that  this is who I have let myself become...a thoroughly unpleasant woman who hasn't the decency to cloak her unpleasantness.  It's like being a bull always reacting to red. The vitriol is UP and won't come back down. The fact that I've been more anxious to down my evening cocktail lately is telling as well...this fugue state is wearing thin.  My coping tactics of yesteryear...eating to great and delicious excess is off limits too so...I've got just the one recourse left:  to write myself back down from the brittle ledge of peevishness. (nope...not there yet...) What else can I record here that will make a lick of difference?  I'm still filled with bile.  Still ready to bite someone's head off.

Oversoul to harried incarnate woman: Try pretending that you are counselling the beast within, Leese. It might help. OK Analysis: what is happening is your capacity to defer gratification has eroded.  You desperately want change...that's not surprising because everything around you is changing...but you feel unable to make a move lest you actually lose whatever precious ground you've earned.  You are famously risk averse and there currently appears to be no effective strategy to reduce your alarmingly increased risk factors other than showing up every day and do the same gd thing.  Mars in your 5th is egging you on suggesting all manner of wild rebellious and altogether bohemian undertakings, while Saturn in the 6th is fueling an "irritable disposition" .

To wit: you are "over concerned about details in outer life as a way of compensating for a lack of inward organization." Yup. You also have to raise your hand when attendance is called for a state of " inner anxiety regarding physical and mental disintegration".

Translation? My mellow is seriously out of whack. So oversoul, how do I bring the outside and inside into greater agreement? Answer: Give up some stupid-ass dreams. Rev up your enthusiasm for lesser but more stalwart bright lights.  An all around buckling down and bucking up is in order..sooner rather than later.  Realize that you are still smack in the middle of a fight that can't be finessed through a TKO.  You've got to keep slugging and slugging and slugging away at your opponent. That's the only way the bad is pushed back, the only way  the angst gets resolved and the hostage taking ends. It's the only way the cutting stops. S'all there is.  Period. Sigh.  All friggin right. Crap and amen.

If there were ever a time to write my little heart out it's right now.  I am in a foul, foul mood.  I feel trapped, sapped and tapped.  I rationally realize this state  is generated by hormones brutishly coursing through my viscera and grey matter; emotionally I've been combative in almost each meaningful interaction I've had this morning.  I can't seem to contain my anger and since last night at dinner, I haven't been able to stop it from splashing unceremoniously into the laps of almost everyone I encounter. As a former young adult who prided herself on her self possessed emotional control, I am incredibly uncomfortable admitting that  this is who I have let myself become...a thoroughly unpleasant woman who hasn't the decency to cloak her unpleasantness.  It's like being a bull always reacting to red. The vitriol is UP and won't come back down. The fact that I've been more anxious to down my evening cocktail lately is telling as well...this fugue state is wearing me down.  My coping tactics of yesteryear...eating to great and delicious excess is off limits too so...I've got just the one recourse left:  what remains is to write myself back down from the brittle ledge of peevishness. (nope...not there yet...)

What else can I record here that will make a lick of difference?  I'm still filled with bile.  Still ready to bite someone's head off. Try pretending that you are counseling the beast within, Leese. It might help.

OK Oversoul analysis: what is happening is your capacity to defer gratification has eroded.  You desperately want change...that's not surprising because everything around you is changing...but you feel unable to make a move lest you actually lose whatever precious ground you've earned.  You are famously risk averse and there currently appears to be no effective strategy to reduce your alarmingly increased risk factors other than showing up every day and do the same gd thing.  Mars in your 5th is egging you on suggesting all manner of wild rebellious and altogether bohemian undertakings, while Saturn in the 6th is fueling an "irritable disposition" . To wit: you are "over concerned about details in outer life as a way of compensating for a lack of inward organization." Yup. You also have to raise your hand when attendance is called for a state of " inner anxiety regarding physical and mental disintegration".  Translation? My mellow is seriously out of whack. So oversoul, how do I bring the outside and inside into greater agreement?

Answer: Give up some stupid-ass dreams. Rev up your enthusiasm for lesser but more stalwart bright lights.  An all around buckling down and bucking up is in order..sooner rather than later.  Realize that you are still smack in the middle of a fight that can't be finessed through a TKO.  You've got to keep slugging and slugging and slugging away at your opponent. That's the only way the bad is pushed back, the only way  the angst gets resolved and the hostage taking ends. It's the only way the cutting stops. S'all there is.  Period. Sigh.  All friggin right. Crap and amen.