Sunday, September 13, 2015

Clean it, Dump it, End it, Fix it

I am in high electronic sorting mode.  Careful readers will see that the url has changed: I finally attached a custom domain.  The blog is growing up.  I also slightly changed the layout...and I'd like to customize it more soon.

But I am not stopping there, with the coming retrograde, I'm planning on seriously updating two other blogs, the site and the site.  These sites along with this one actually have a chance of being something that I can be proud of.

Mercury retrograde, help me out!

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Reality strikes

I usually like to craft my posts here a little more elegantly but I made a promise to post more in 2015 it is...

Just a tad over a year ago I wrote here and I must much changes in a year.  And so much changes with the advent of a Solar Eclipse.  Back in 2014, I had no idea that 12 and half months hence I'd be experiencing this spring's solar eclipse in a way that I could never, ever have imagined.  Though the big changed happened on the last day of last year, I am vibrating with the shift in energies NOW.  Big reveal...I am now retired.

Through a series of events that one could only term fated, my partner (actually wife now) and I figured out how to transition into a lifestyle that incredibly financially mimics what we had before I retired.  We are whole.  Not rich, but not poor.  We are amazingly ok.  I am sleeping a whole lot more than 4 hours each night.  My deep, deep anxiety-filled depression has lifted.  My various chronic ailments are beginning to dissipate.  My understanding of life, minted when I was just five years old has been confirmed.  Retirement, the kind that gives you what you need for a simple, sane life IS BETTER.

And today, less than a week after the eclipse, I see that things that were cluttering up my life...the noise, is starting to fall away.  A mailing list I subscribed to for technical writing is being discontinued.  My sister is developing a partnership with another gal and will no longer use my technical services for her blog.  The offer from my former workplace to do some small freelance jobs essentially evaporated.

In the face of this I am capitulating...acknowledging slowly that my life is changing and affirmatively deleting various expenditures for things that I have no need of in this new life (technical education & business blogging education subscriptions).  These were big...because I thought I needed these accounts just in case.  But I know in my gut...I don't.

In its place?  More time at the gym...I'm finally getting the motivation to exercise seriously every day.  I've decided that in 2016, I'd like to try to run a half marathon.  Will I make it?  Who knows. All that's clear is that this is something the wife and I can do together in our joint retirement.  And who doesn't want to spend more time with the love of their lives?

She and I are also thoughtfully considering classes to do together, a language class (probably Spanish, one bucket list dream locates us living in the Yucatan Peninsula one day.) and an art class -- sculpture is something we both are passionate about.  And I am beginning to look at volunteer opportunities.

I'm sure there is more.  Especially writing more.  But the shift is palpable.  A great description of this change is described on Astrobarry's website.  A apt quote for what I am experiencing is this: "What liberating visions for a radically different future have started to emerge? How do the developments of these past few weeks resonate with and/or reinforce these insights?"

What a wild, wild ride...

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

It's complicated

I am a spirit living as a woman living in a body living in 2014.  It's surreal.  I don't always understand it, know how to do it, nor have the words to describe it.  But I don't want to give it up.

It's crazy but it's mine.

Earlier today, the dog, confused about how to proceed because he could neither hear or see his people peed and poo-ed to excess in our hallway.  He just woke up, shook his collar, took a little walk around and decided huh, well no one is here to help me so I guess I better get this over with right HERE.

 You know, I wanted to get angry with him, I really did, but he's a dog, he's old and it's my responsibility to be there for him when I know he needs it.  Still, I didn't get to him in time and he walked through the nasty several times with an 'oh well' attitude.  I can't say I wasn't a little pissed and nauseated.  But ya know, a dog's gotta do what a dog's gotta do.

I say this, not to highlight the fact that I am not a dog person (I'm not) nor that I am a bad dog mommy (the dog may agree with me on this last point). But  with some distance the episode, it did make me think about times in my life when I felt, HEY, I JUST GOTTA DO THIS!

Like said dog, I couldn't see my way forward, felt the urge to just let things rip and just to act out of panic and when I did, I simply made a big old mess. Sometimes someone was there, to clean up after me (like I did with my pooch today.)  But sometimes, it took me years to clean up my own excreta.  Years to fix stuff that could have turned out ok if I had just WAITED.

Humans may be animals but they are mostly capable of thinking beyond their immediate needs. They can do it so they SHOULD do it. I need to act more human like...and when I feel the need to relieve myself, be a bit more strategic about it.

Monday, April 28, 2014

Solar Eclipse Best Wishes

Pay attention to your dreams tonight...who do you want to be? Who you want to be is a gift to yourself. Concentrate on this eclipses' season of growth.

Monday, March 31, 2014

I've been delving into the world of Type recently...and it's been fascinating. Careful readers of this blog (namely ME) will see that I've been interested in human development for ever.  I'm always trying to GET why I don't ever feel satisfied, why I don't feel like I fit the norms.  Why I am constantly searching.  It is irritating, I must admit.  Reading about type, like reading about the nodal drama which I discovered late last year seems to me to fill in some of the holes in my gaping hole of knowledge.  I do feel a certain amount of relief borne of basic recognition.

This morning, in a fit of trying everything (as is my wont as an INFP/INTP) I am sitting at Christie's desk, which has a wonderful view of the living room.  Of course, it would never work for me to do this when she was home.  She'd feel like her space was being invaded and sullied (because that's what I do, I conquer all space in this house, colonizing it through possessions).  But it is nice to sneak in and try it out...because this seat is one of the best in the house...the room is big and expansive, it has lots of light and windows and it is a proper desk...not the slapped together collection of tv dinner tables and tiny night stands that comprise my non work area.  That whole room feels scary to's over colonzied with papers and books and aspirational shoe choices.

I understand Christie when she says the entire lot of it needs to be junked.  Besides helping Gina get her business elements together, I considered seriously attacking the closet because that is the genesis of all big bad things in that room.  The closet the loci of the most angst ridden yearny parts of the whole house.  It's filled with papers from old classes, clothes that no longer fit or are out of style, dentritis from almost every single move I've made as an adult.  I know that if I can crack the code of the closet, the rest of the room will be much easier to address.

And here's the thing...sitting here in the main body of the house, maybe I'd rather be part of the stream of things than separate from it?  Separateness is what makes being in that room so makes C feel cut off from me, it creates a barrier in our togetherness.   So if I were here and not there...if that room could be switched back to a guest room with bookcase and sensible storage for my clothes, perhaps, perhaps our lives would not be so topsy turvey anymore?  I mean, I can put earphones on if the TV is going.  But I can't heal the rift created when I falsely sequester myself from the rest of my life.

Friday, October 18, 2013

Transit last century right?

No, not everyone can work from home.  And the rights of working people are important.

 But the fact that we are so disabled by transit strikes in this century, the century that touts the information highway, shows us how much old paradigms hold on with a vice-like grip.  The machine (a.k.a society) hasn't learned yet.

But we need to get with the program people.

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Profoundly Fraught Umami-land

I’m freshly back from one of Phoenix’s livelier bedroom communities…while there I entertained the idea of immigrating to Arizona.

There’s no doubt that the pervasive pleasures of living in Arizona are an attractor.   There is a seductive ease I have difficulty refuting while I’m there.  It’s all at your fingertips…summery, expedient and come-at-able. It’s also cheap, rife with the touchstones of affluence, and all on one level.

However, the manifest glory of the Bay Area in general, and of Oakland in particular is indisputable.  One forgets, one forgets; one narrowly focuses on the crime statistics, the poverty, the tabloid pronouncements.  And then one peers through the window…across the expanse of lapis lazuli water, at the quality of caramel light curling gracefully along the verdant east bay hills and one can’t deny that Oakland with its troubles is also deeply ravishing.  At autumn’s threshold, the temperate air settles on the skin, pleasing in the most unaffected and natural way.  The downtown, though sparsely populated  feels oddly right-sized.  The disconcertingly nonpareil restaurants sport the spot-on patina of cool and outlaw, van der Waal's forces  at work.
There is the promise of land and space and certain svelteness  of character borne from a secular, worldly wise geography. There is the wild charm…an acquired one to be sure, but a charm nonetheless.

Of course, this is no Comfort Inn. The population is decidedly renegade and mavricky; brilliance tightly fused with a razor-sharp edge.  In spite of my substantial middle class misgivings though, each time I return I am struck dumb by the raw beauty of the place.

And once one succumb’s to Oakland’s beguilements a quick peek at real estate listing aren’t completely deflating.  Compared to the kings’ ransom  required to live in careworn San Francisco, there is the bracing realization that this actually could be a place you could make your own; you could stake your claim in metropolis: an urbanite’s reverie, surely.   It’s a potent antidote to the lure of Arizona’s more confectionary suburban indulgences.

Unsurprisingly, I and many of my fellow denizens find ourselves saying…yes, I know there are the proverbial Big Bad’s here..but I don’t want to leave…not just yet.

So I (we) stay, in full face of the attendant urban ills ; the intractable wretchednesses.

It’s profoundly fraught Umami-land by turns salty, sour, sweet and bitter.   For better AND worse  it’s my home.