Digging down

Apparently I was not done posting today, because I've got more thoughts here that I've got to get down. My whole kick to lose weight is symptomatic of my desire to change my life somehow--to make it feel more fulfilling. Some things (like not being monied enough able to afford to move away from a ghetto, or not being able to retire early) are unmovable. They simply are and there isn't much one can do at a particular point.

However there are some things that if not overturned, can be shifted and one of these things is weight. So I'm dieting and exercising and some things are changing for the better. Yay. But not enough things.

Like what?

Like I haven't been writing. At all. I haven't paid attention to my mind, at how it questions certain things at how it laughs at life or wonders at it. I've simply been mute. This isn't good. Historically, I've been at my best after a long period of writing and rumination. But note--best doesn't necessarily mean happy. I stopped writing in part because it made think...made me start peering deep into my roily soul for answers that I've been avoiding for a long, long time. Like why haven't I made writing a basic part of my life? Basic as in I do it everyday, not as in I am taking an expensive class. Basic as in I write in my blog regularly, I develop essays regularly. I submit articles regularly. All these things can be accomplished without any extra outlay of cash on my part...just an outlay of time.

Sigh. And writing is just the tip of the iceberg. Why haven't I taken tests for a promotion? Why don't I call my mother more often? Why have I stopped going to the dentist? And why is my office reminiscent of the wreck of the Hespers?

Messy, messy, messy. I'm going to stop here. All these root issues out on the table at once are very off-putting...

1/16/10 Update on weight. And I have gone to the dentist since this post (to the tune of $1,500 dollars!). And I'm redesigning my office with custom bookshelves and real curtains. And I finally found a test I'm willing to take.

not satisfied with first world issues...

I'm lucky. I have a house, a partner, some nice friends, a family. I have clothes to wear, cars to drive, a job to go to and generous health insurance. My pension fund is still up and running and I have the great fortune to have more than enough to eat.

But I am unhappy. And from the looks of it, I'm not alone. I'm not going to into all the reasons posited in the article, I'm just here to relate that I've got a profound sense of discontent going on that

1. I haven't been successful in kicking,
2. That I don't feel I deserve.

So I've the continual ennui of a person who has enough but can't feel sufficient gratitude to make themselves happy. Oh I've read that an important factor in dealing with such angst is to help other people and to that end I now work in a job where I'm almost continually helping people. It is diverting, yes, but at the end of the day, I still feel unsatisfied and lucky all at the same time. Hmph.

Maybe I'll go eat an apple.

One clue that I have identified is that I've recently gone on a diet. And not eating what I want and forcing myself to exercise when I'd rather masquerade as a couch cushion lays bare any sort of immediate gratification. As I've mentioned before in my tweets, chocolate croissants go a long way toward improving my mood...much farther in fact than a 50 minute work out. At least in the short run.

Sigh.