Friday, February 19, 2010

It's late and I've been drinking equal parts coffee and wine.

I'm sad. Sadder than I've been in a long time...but not too far gone to know why I'm so slack. A very large part is the perimenopause, that insidious little condition that inflates the down times and suppresses the memory of anything good and stable. It's also that she's away, and even though it's on a mission of mercy (for family...another aspect of the sadness)I'm still very lonely without her. Actually it's more than loneliness...it's disappointment at my rudderlessness when she's not here.

After all I'm not my mother. I can drive in the City and pay bills and even go camping if I absolutely have too. I know how to kill bugs (hairspray, of course!) and cook a gourmet dinner for twelve from scratch. In my time I've even switched out an electrical fixture. I'm an independent sort though not above liking to be pampered, a loner certainly--so why do I feel like I'm missing a secret ingredient when she's not here?

I write these words anonymously, but I wish I had the guts to speak with my true identity. But I don't. And that lack of courage has informed so much of my existence...this is another facet of that intercontinental sadness. I've been given so much, so much really but have done so very, very little with it. The minimum in fact that allows me to maintain my lifestyle at the edges of the middle class...the very least I can do without risk.

I may feel better tomorrow, but then again, I may not. Still, tomorrow isn't fated and my life isn't over yet. There is still time. Time to change.