I am a spirit living as a woman living in a body living in 2014. It's surreal. I don't always understand it, know how to do it, nor have the words to describe it. But I don't want to give it up.
It's crazy but it's mine.
Earlier today, the dog, confused about how to proceed because he could neither hear or see his people peed and poo-ed to excess in our hallway. He just woke up, shook his collar, took a little walk around and decided huh, well no one is here to help me so I guess I better get this over with right HERE.
You know, I wanted to get angry with him, I really did, but he's a dog, he's old and it's my responsibility to be there for him when I know he needs it. Still, I didn't get to him in time and he walked through the nasty several times with an 'oh well' attitude. I can't say I wasn't a little pissed and nauseated. But ya know, a dog's gotta do what a dog's gotta do.
I say this, not to highlight the fact that I am not a dog person (I'm not) nor that I am a bad dog mommy (the dog may agree with me on this last point). But with some distance the episode, it did make me think about times in my life when I felt, HEY, I JUST GOTTA DO THIS!
Like said dog, I couldn't see my way forward, felt the urge to just let things rip and just to act out of panic and when I did, I simply made a big old mess. Sometimes someone was there, to clean up after me (like I did with my pooch today.) But sometimes, it took me years to clean up my own excreta. Years to fix stuff that could have turned out ok if I had just WAITED.
Humans may be animals but they are mostly capable of thinking beyond their immediate needs. They can do it so they SHOULD do it. I need to act more human like...and when I feel the need to relieve myself, be a bit more strategic about it.
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Monday, April 28, 2014
Solar Eclipse Best Wishes
Pay attention to your dreams tonight...who do you want to be? Who you want to be is a gift to yourself. Concentrate on this eclipses' season of growth.
Monday, March 31, 2014
I've been delving into the world of Type recently...and it's been fascinating. Careful readers of this blog (namely ME) will see that I've been interested in human development for ever. I'm always trying to GET why I don't ever feel satisfied, why I don't feel like I fit the norms. Why I am constantly searching. It is irritating, I must admit. Reading about type, like reading about the nodal drama which I discovered late last year seems to me to fill in some of the holes in my gaping hole of knowledge. I do feel a certain amount of relief borne of basic recognition.
This morning, in a fit of trying everything (as is my wont as an INFP/INTP) I am sitting at Christie's desk, which has a wonderful view of the living room. Of course, it would never work for me to do this when she was home. She'd feel like her space was being invaded and sullied (because that's what I do, I conquer all space in this house, colonizing it through possessions). But it is nice to sneak in and try it out...because this seat is one of the best in the house...the room is big and expansive, it has lots of light and windows and it is a proper desk...not the slapped together collection of tv dinner tables and tiny night stands that comprise my non work area. That whole room feels scary to me....it's over colonzied with papers and books and aspirational shoe choices.
I understand Christie when she says the entire lot of it needs to be junked. Besides helping Gina get her business elements together, I considered seriously attacking the closet because that is the genesis of all big bad things in that room. The closet the loci of the most angst ridden yearny parts of the whole house. It's filled with papers from old classes, clothes that no longer fit or are out of style, dentritis from almost every single move I've made as an adult. I know that if I can crack the code of the closet, the rest of the room will be much easier to address.
And here's the thing...sitting here in the main body of the house, maybe I'd rather be part of the stream of things than separate from it? Separateness is what makes being in that room so problematic...it makes C feel cut off from me, it creates a barrier in our togetherness. So if I were here and not there...if that room could be switched back to a guest room with bookcase and sensible storage for my clothes, perhaps, perhaps our lives would not be so topsy turvey anymore? I mean, I can put earphones on if the TV is going. But I can't heal the rift created when I falsely sequester myself from the rest of my life.
This morning, in a fit of trying everything (as is my wont as an INFP/INTP) I am sitting at Christie's desk, which has a wonderful view of the living room. Of course, it would never work for me to do this when she was home. She'd feel like her space was being invaded and sullied (because that's what I do, I conquer all space in this house, colonizing it through possessions). But it is nice to sneak in and try it out...because this seat is one of the best in the house...the room is big and expansive, it has lots of light and windows and it is a proper desk...not the slapped together collection of tv dinner tables and tiny night stands that comprise my non work area. That whole room feels scary to me....it's over colonzied with papers and books and aspirational shoe choices.
I understand Christie when she says the entire lot of it needs to be junked. Besides helping Gina get her business elements together, I considered seriously attacking the closet because that is the genesis of all big bad things in that room. The closet the loci of the most angst ridden yearny parts of the whole house. It's filled with papers from old classes, clothes that no longer fit or are out of style, dentritis from almost every single move I've made as an adult. I know that if I can crack the code of the closet, the rest of the room will be much easier to address.
And here's the thing...sitting here in the main body of the house, maybe I'd rather be part of the stream of things than separate from it? Separateness is what makes being in that room so problematic...it makes C feel cut off from me, it creates a barrier in our togetherness. So if I were here and not there...if that room could be switched back to a guest room with bookcase and sensible storage for my clothes, perhaps, perhaps our lives would not be so topsy turvey anymore? I mean, I can put earphones on if the TV is going. But I can't heal the rift created when I falsely sequester myself from the rest of my life.
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