You know what’s hard? When your bff’s start drifting away. I used to have what I considered two very, very close friends…people that I felt a kinship with, people that made me laugh and who I’d let see me cry.
They weren’t my friends originally—they were my partner’s. But I basked in the glow of their companionship and then we became close in our own right; they became like extended family.
Once my partner retired, her attitudes toward these friends changed somewhat. She felt less beholden to them, had less of a desire to caretake the friendships. And I didn’t pick up the slack. Cracks began to show as we took them for granted, canceled dates to go do other things, or declined invitations just to stay at home.
The result now is both friends have moved themselves over to other friendships, making those other friendships primary, subtly counting on others to be their support and family. And where does that leave us? Without the family that we choose.
I don’t blame my partner. She was doing what felt right for her, protecting her beleaguered spirit. Many people come to depend on, then lean on, then deplete her strong soul. Between those demands and work that she hated, she was just exhausted. With retirement her priorities shifted and she wanted to breathe a little...to take a well earned vacation from emotional obligations.
I do blame myself though. If the quality of of their company were that important to me, I should have made more of an effort with these individuals. I should have picked up the banner or the phone and called them, had them over for dinner or met for a quick bite even when it wasn’t in my comfort zone…because now, all I feel is sad…it’s so hard for me to make friends and as I look around my life, the opportunities to make new ones is exceedingly small.
So, now I need to do the work of “friend curation”. I just hope it isn’t too late.
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