Just talked to my sweetie and I know I want to be more independent but she sounded so vital, so full of life...I can't wait for her to get home!
Last week my mother talked to me about her latest relationship with her ex- husband (my estranged bio-father). In it, she unapologetically said that being independent and strong as an individual is basically not as fun as being in a relationship. When it came right down to it, she'd rather have someone order her food for her restaurant rather than being alone. She'd rather have a partner to double date with rather than knowing how to manage her own money or drive herself anywhere (because you can get people for that, you know?).
This whole time that sweetie has been gone I started thinking...am I that different? I mean I had all these ideas of things that I was going to accomplish and all I did was a few twitters and blog posts . All this and dealing with the non-stop coughing and windedness that comes with my chronic bronchitis. I'd say my natural state is this side of cranky.
What will it take to make me happy?
In this article, writer Alain de Botton talks about the benefits of being more happy, not the least of which is having a stronger immune system. I'd love some of that!
One thing...I do think I am a clinical depressive personality (inherited it from the bio-dad) and yes I've tried the med's and I've tried therapy...neither really worked. The only thing that ever, ever worked was one month back in my 30's where I found my footing, somehow.
Though it wasn't the strategy then, maybe my strategy now is just to stay in a relationship with an A personality that kicks my butt into gear, no matter how much I resent being butt kicked. ( This isn't a particularly fun state of affairs for the butt kicker ).
God, I've got to be stronger somehow than this, if only to NOT be like my mother or the bio-dad. And for the sweet butt kicker.
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